How To Have Better Sex
As with most everything we talk about, we mention conversations to have that lead to better sex. If you don’t talk, you’re not going to have the deepest intimate relationship. In our videos, we tend to throw out the words “Have a conversation” a lot but if you don’t know how to approach a subject then you are never going to have a conversation.
Understand that the biggest sex organ in your body is your brain, and this is for both males and females. Don’t believe me, try and go pick up an ED pill. The first thing a good doctor will ask you is about your mental state rather than your physical state. We have all had those times when you start off hot and heavy and then it just goes away. Women are more honest about this than men. I think most of the time we try and “power through” to completion, letting our minds wander to porn, sex scenes on TV or things we read in a book.
I also think a lof of the time women switch into ‘wifely duty’ mode and while the husband is still going at it she is off thinking about her to-do list or what to watch on tv after he gets done. (think What Women Want) I wonder what would happen if we just both as a couple were honest with one another and stopped in the middle. Maybe, pick it up again in an hour or the next day when your minds are back on sex. Or maybe the best thing to do is to switch to foreplay rather than just keep going until the deed is done. So what can we do with our brain or our partner’s brain to get it in the mood? Here is what I do when I want to make love to my wife and I can tell her head isn’t into it: (This is not a right before list, this is an all-day list)
- I ask her what she is thinking about (or what going on in her head; what is her to-do list) and listen to the answer. (After breakfast, at lunch and at dinner)
- At this point, I am listening for the list. “I have to do the laundry, put the kids to bed, make dinner, make lunch, clean the kitchen, vacuum the floor.” Or if she needs to talk something out, sit and listen (DO NOT TRY AND FIX ANYTHING)
- Listen and or take something off of her plate. In my experience, dealing with the kids is on top of her list. Once the kids are alright, then if you have time, you can do other things.
- Set the mood – often times we forget the ‘doing something new’ and random is a turn on. Clean the bath tub, put some lavender in it and tell her to take a bath why you put the kids to bed. (Don’t ask for help – you are the other parent). For women, when was the last time you surprised your husband with a BJ as he walked in to the door after work. (or any other time) You don’t have to complete the act but just the “I Want You” is enough.
- Sexy texts throughout the day, or use SnapChat and send each other images (they are deleted after viewed twice) BE CAREFUL
Have a conversation about your bod. How does your spouse view their body? Is it a vessel, is it a temple, are they ashamed of it, has it been abused? How do you view your body and how do your viewpoints differ?
A good example of this is through Tammy and I; I grew up with little to no sexual education from my parents. I think this was because the conversation was hard to have and they thought I would just learn it at school. Therefore, when I “discovered myself” there were no guidelines, no conversation, just whatever felt good, felt good, there was no shame, no guilt.
On the opposite side, Tammy was homeschooled and was taught from the standpoint of a highly conservative-puritan viewpoint. Now after we got married my viewpoint was simple: I am a Christian, my body is a vessel for my spirit and a Temple of the Lord. He (God) Created sex and my body for pleasure, to please my spouse, and to be pleased by my spouse. In other words, anything goes as long as I am not sining and I, personally, will try everything 3 times. (The first time might be wired, the second time might be ok, the third time will let me know if I like it or not). While on the other hand Tammy was more or less given a list of acceptable sex practices and unacceptable practices. Good girls do this in the bedroom but not-good-girls do that.
This greatly influences your current sex life! It’s important to have the conversation of how your parents talked to you about sex. Have the conversation about the first time you pleasured yourself, what did you think about? What did you do? (and yes, this can turn you both on) How did you feel afterwords? Ashamed, good, nothing? This conversation clues you in on what is going on in your spouse’s mind during sex and even when talking about new sex acts.
Now that you know each other’s viewpoint on body image, you have a couple of choices. 1. Just file it in your brain and adjust the way you make love. or 2. Challenge the viewpoint. What portion of the viewpoint do you want to keep and which ones should you throw away? An example of this would be if your wife was abused as a little girl by an older man, and as a result, she might not like hair on your body. You can either 1. Remove the hair on a regular basis or 2. Work through this pain (maybe by both of you not shaving anything for a while and see the result). Again, this should be a loving conversation and not a demand. This could go the opposite too; no hair reminds me or makes me feel like a little kid and I don’t want to be with a little kid, etc… What is the compromise and is this something that you want to work through?
Experimentation. Now that you understand the sexual viewpoint of your partner, you can begin to move in the direction of their viewpoint of body and/or help them change your perspective. For me as an example, Tammy knows she can come to me and say I want to try this and I will pretty much always say ‘yes’. She is surprised when I do have a few hard lines, and she knows that she can push them. (insert safe word here). As for me, since I understand her viewpoint, there are times I will just straight up ask, do you want vanilla or something more? (Especially when I am having a hard time reading the situation) I have to bring this up because in our society today almost everyone watches or has watched porn or even accidentally seen it, and this is an absurd fantasy that never pans out in real life. We tend to want to copy things we see/read whether sub-consciously or consciously and knowing body point of view is paramount.
This is simple and easy – ASK QUESTIONS. I tell my kids this: “You are never going to get fired from a job or in trouble for asking questions”. In the heat of the moment this works as a turn on: are you okay? How does this feel? Do you like this? How do you want me to touch you? Are you about to _ _ _? (A.K.A. talking dirty light). Refer to step one, if you don’t ask questions or even talk durning sex, you are not engaging the biggest sex organ. If you can see your partner is not into it you can always ask Do You Want To Stop? and you have to ok with the awnser.