Marriage 205: Is it time for sex

Marriage 205: Is It Time For Sex? Another issue we have found in talking with couples is that there is one partner that wants sex more than the other (and it isn’t always the guy). This is a practical tool in helping you two get it on.

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well can’t go buy weed California with how big this weekend
it was soul stone and when you joined the
club you got this habit stoners club I
was the wall and I should show you the
wall of hats but you’ve seen them all
and not today
there’s always a different hat somewhere
I’m trying
drag day here we are all right yeah
we’re gonna get into it
so we’re 205 you sure about that
no are 210 what will you do to elect 15
no no Nets that’s way more advanced into
a fight okay so what last week we talked
about what are we talking about this
week well you put me on the spot really
what did you do yesterday alright so
last week we talked about love language
and writing a list on your refrigerator
and making sure that they are practical
things and you call it an expectation
list but I tend to shy away from the
word expectations because there is
someone that doesn’t like to meet them
[Laughter]
it’s what we expect out of a spouse and
if if it’s an unreasonable expectation I
think it’s important to talk about it so
but today we’re talking about something
we’ve discussed before but today and so
again this whole series the 200 series
yet listen to this we’re dropping the
mic so the 200 series are basically
practical everyday things that you guys
can do to trance to transfer your
marriage into a happier marriage and
transfer or transform will be the right
word
we’re not transferring marriages around
it’s like the shell game not so much
yeah okay anyway what’s the thing today
oh we’re already doing okay so the thing
today is really really simple and this
sounds really really odd but we would
like you to schedule sex we would like
you to schedule sex maybe at least once
a week and there are scientific studies
that have been done that couples that
have sex at least once a week
you’re literally happiness is increased
a lot now you have sex every day it
doesn’t compound there is a limit to how
much sex and happiness give you but
usually about once a week is a pretty
good time so I know what you’re thinking
you’re like well I don’t want to
schedule sex that takes all the romance
out of it it’s not nadeo spontaneity and
then you know here’s my big question if
you’re not being spontaneous now how
long has it been it’s been more than a
week you suck he’s scheduled sex let’s
yeah yeah and so um we listen to other
podcasts other marriage couples and one
other marriage podcast they said three
days he has to initiate at least once
and she could never say no any of the
times that he initiates and then she
gets three days to initiate and he can’t
say no I’m too tired of just say no I’m
gonna ask her five times a day
perfect I’m a seven yeah all right
anyways but that would you that would in
case you would have sex twice a week but
the thing is with that and what I really
liked about that time frame is the fact
that the man has to be creative and
initiate sex in a way that their spouse
would like to and then the other spouse
were to initiate sex in the way that
their spouse would so it gives a lot of
room for creativity now if you’re not in
a place where you can have sex twice a
week then switching that to
every other what’s wrong with you maybe
you need to go to weed police know but
make sure that you switch the initiation
because in our relationship I am I love
languages physical touch I am the
aggressor I am the passionate one I want
to have sex every other day so it that
doesn’t leave room for her to initiate
at all and and part of the issues that
we have is that there there comes times
where I don’t feel like I’m loved like I
don’t feel like I’m pursued and and men
we really want to feel pursued we want
the you know the person that we’re with
to really pursue us and deep down inside
that feels great but the problem the
problem with me is that I am so
aggressive I never give her we need to
pursue and so that’s just something that
we work on and if you’re the same way
with me that you’re just hyper sexual
then you will go through that
up-and-down of not being pursued so
that’s what I’m saying every other week
if you switch it to where the other
person has to initiate it gives them me
a chance to pursue you personally in a
way that you like and it’s really fun
with creativity stuff so like you could
do a couples massage and then go home
and have sex you could just go out to
dinner you can go for a walk it doesn’t
really matter but you are intently
trying to get the other person in the
mood which then brings up conversations
of how do I get you in the mood rather
than it’s Friday let’s have sex yeah I
think that’s really important creative
ways to get your partner and movie
because we’ve talked to people that
complained that well the the spouse will
just be a jerk oh because they know
they’re gonna get it okay that’s then
that’s not so super we’re round
unselfish way to run be a partner and
you’re gonna be a jerk and just think
you’re gonna get sex what kind of sex do
you think that’s going to be it’s gonna
be bump on a log sex nobody likes a bump
on the log sex everyone likes
interactive full vr sex
but but that’s the sex that we all
desire and want we wanted that both
people to be fully there not one person
doing the dishes in their head because
they just want to get this over with and
so that’s that’s what makes scheduling
sex really important is that one you can
withhold and bring up excitement and at
the same time the person that’s going to
be initiating needs to really find out
what the what their partner is into so
if you know if I come you’re talking a
lot I’m sorry you weren’t like just like
I have things in my head that I
completely forgot is that enough go on
oh so for example you know if she is if
there’s a whole bunch of candles and
she’s in bed with lingerie and that’s
the thing that I like then great now for
her if I’m in bed the whole bunch of
candles that might not work for her but
if I spend the entire day cleaning the
entire house and making sure that it’s
spotless that might do the trick
and I notice that that the time is
coming when he has cleaned the windows
one window the windows really you just
here’s good I forgot what I was gonna
say you might as well talk until they
can run right again two minutes aside
it’s we’re waiting but you kind of get
the idea this has to come with a
conversation of hey when is the best
night to have sex you have a little I’m
a babysitter a hotel a getaway
she remembered I’ll shut up okay I but I
also see here people going I don’t have
time to do that that is a lot of work
think about what you’re Jeff what you’re
what you’re saying my marriage is a lot
of work and I don’t have time for that
but I have time to go the grocery store
I have time to read a book to watch a
movie to play video games to take my
kids to and from school to do this to do
that control Instagram or stuff
thanks but taking a few minutes to
initiate with my husband or my wife is
just oh I just it’s too much work
what really welcome to marriage Solano
this is the primary relationship this is
the primary thing in your life that
should be something that tops the list
of all let’s jump in the shower to you
obviously the kitchen needs to be
cleaned some food
I understand all of that
but when you put all of those other
things ahead of your marriage your
spouse the other person that you have
vowed to love and cherish for the rest
of your life every day of your life what
does that say to them you are not
prioritizing them how does that make you
feel when your spouse does not
prioritize you everything else is now
more important that make you feel good
well scheduling time for sex whatever
works for you whether there’s every
other day whether it’s every Friday
whether it’s Saturday mornings because
that’s the time you can you both have
off and you can get together whether
it’s a Sunday before each 2 or 3 days
whatever it is Sunday or something that
works and try to stick with it give it
at least a month a whole entire month
and stick with them that’s really tried
a few different things that some worked
some didn’t some fail horribly pattern
that really works for but it keeps us
consistent where we’re not going weeks
with now it’s just awkward because we’re
like now what do we do so it’s every
Monday after that brings up you know
read up listen to a podcast together on
the way to listen up on iTunes yeah
anyway now I’ve talked for a long time
so that’s our biggest thing is schedule
sex I don’t that works for you try to
get it in and I’m intended and the thing
is is that it’s your marriage have fun
with it you don’t have to take any to
have sex you get to have sex yeah yeah
that’s that’s the perspective you need
to change around if you can have two
you get to how fun was that remember
when that was a really really really fun
thing that you got to do well you still
can you still get to do it it can be fun
and that’ll be you know series three to
four hundred anyway so um understand
that scheduling sex is it’s a your
marriage plan it’s not anyone else
marriage plan so this is something that
you kind of have to work through to
figure out what works for you like for
example if every third week is actually
working for you then I’m not going to
push you to do it once it once a week
it’s not gonna work for me
but then if that works for you have been
great you know ii mean if you both feel
cherished and and sought after and
pursued then if that works for you than
fine but the point of it is has changed
she needs to pursue and I need to pursue
and mean and that really helps the
circle of intimacy because when somebody
wants to be around with you and wants
you to make you feel good and spends
time thinking about how to get you in
the mood that’s a huge part of intimacy
that we don’t talk about someone’s the
hidden part we always talk about the
aftereffect of sex or kissing or hugging
but there’s all of that pregame stuff
that happens of what do you into what do
you like do you want a massage do could
you do you wanna do a couple massage did
you like it when people touch you do you
like it when I touch you you have all of
those wonderful conversations and that
you get to know each other more so that
it just really just becomes second
nature like there are times I come home
and there’s I know we’re on the steps
awesome sorry oh no people are driving
home and listen to this anyways so
schedule and work on it this isn’t a
thing to just try one time and put it
down this is like working out and
building some biceps is that you have to
consistently do it and try things that
work for you and you will find the
magical thing if it’s every other day
and you every that works for you then
great but at least you’re of being
intimate more than you are now hoping
that it’s going to happen and then what
the greater side affected is if one of
you is watching porn but sex is
scheduled and
watching porn usually will drop because
then there is a quote-unquote guarantee
that it’s going to happen rather than
one day just might have it yeah so yeah
that’s something to think about alright
so again we’re on iTunes and iTunes
podcast you could search for us and have
a marriage we do have a promo code at
get date box calm which they were
purchased by another company I keep
forgetting their name but the promo code
is have a marriage 50 for 50% off of
your first date they have insane dates
and outside dates go on a date and talk
about scheduling sex and then how
talking about how to get each other in a
mood and again this is all practical
things that’s not just just make me feel
good no that’s stupid way around very
very practical do the dishes and that
might just work for you alright I gotta
go do the dishes


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