Marriage 201

Providing your partner with a list of ways that they can love you is the best way to communicate what they can do. So that you can receive love. Mind you that they should also provide you a list so that you give them love as well.

Closed Caption of Video

[Music] [Music] yeah good morning it’s Monday oh no they killed Kenny both hat-wearing people today yeah because it’s early in Labor Day apparently there’s gonna be a lot of Labor done today or you could do some labor on your marriage okay so we did the 100’s this is the two hundreds so technically this would be 201 I had somebody complaining about the numbering that I used before but you know I’m not an officer and I don’t care this is inside you you know you are if you have a the curricular numbering situation let me know and I’ll change them all but I thought 201 105 okay step so this whole course the 200 level are practical things that you could do to strengthen your marriage mm-hmm and so through marriage coaching and talking with a bunch of people we found that this tool was really really helpful and so we thought that we just share it with you in the 201 class because it’s very you have to kind of start somewhere and this this goes back to the thing it was the 120 class of know-how know who you are yeah so that you can communicate to your partner who you are and how you receive love we talked about the five love languages so but ya know this is a great one this is I’m talking about the list and it is a very practical one we have a little bit before but it’s been a couple of years but this should be love and but no if you haven’t done this before this is a really good thing to do to strengthen your marriage write down start with just maybe three things maybe five if you can come up with ten bye-bye-bye again just five okay if you remember before all right well then why am I talking I’m sure so start with the five things that how you feel loved and this is going beyond love language don’t just say I feel much when I feel secure what does that mean that’s not what we look like that looks like Tim making sure the house is locked up at night setting the alarm making sure that all the kids are safe now that’s a one that that’s a very intention I feel love when you make me feel secure and this is how you do it how you do that um you don’t talk bad about me in front of other people or put me down here you pump me up that’s how making me feel secure in my marriage and in my relationship all these things whether I’m there or not yeah you can’t just say I just I just want to feel loved what does that look like to you that means coming in looking me in the eye when you come home from work hugging me kissing me and spending just 30 seconds and just I’m the first person that you want to see when I get home from work or when you know or when your husband comes over or whatever it is these are tangible things actually write them out this is what makes me feel and if you don’t know what makes you feel secure think or feel loved think about what you what they may do or not do that you don’t feel loved from I really hate it when they do this I don’t feel loved okay so no matter opposite would be the man that makes you feel what this is making you feel and then put it on your refrigerator and it’s okay for your kids to see this I mean unless there’s a lot of you know really graphic or sexual I love when you do stuff in the morning but even then I’d put that on the fridge just don’t use those terms partitions the issue that when we do marriage coaching and talking to people part of the thing is like really you want to put that on the fridge and make a ball is it horrible that your kids see that you’re working on your marriage right I mean let them see it it’s not perfect it’s not always perfect you guys are going to fight they’re gonna know that you fight but if there’s kind of that constant reminder of hey mom feels loved when dad does that and dad just kind of keeps doing that wow that’s that’s a great example for your kids to know okay there’s there’s a communication there is work that has to happen for my parents to be happily married and if they don’t see that any of the work which we tend to hide as adults they just really just think it magically happens and this isn’t magical this is honestly this is hard work look at her it’s I put in a ton of hard work maybe not with the hair today around the reason why I want to limit you to five it’s because when all five things need to be practical and obtained obtainable i I don’t know how I feel love well then if you don’t know how you feel love and neither does your spouse and that’s a big deal and so maybe you should spend time on wondering how you feel about them uh I had I was so far my love language is physical touch so I’m like look I just need you to touch me throughout the day so she put an alarm on her phone and I would hear it and then she would come in and give me a hug you know just a touch yeah so now the problem with that is is that six months later I was at Best Buy and the lady had the same alarm on her phone and no one touched me but I looked out and she’s like what’s wrong with you and I’m like I told her I’m like well my wife has that same tone it’s just a reminder to touch me so that I feel love from her and she was like oh that’s so sweet my go she’s not here no one’s touching me so that’s how it becomes awkward what psychological you know so now when I hear that tone it’s like I’m gonna feel love soon and so you have to go to that extreme but you kind of get the idea of here are the things that she can do to make me feel loved and cherished in this marriage and here are the things that I can do for her to make her feel loved and cherished and in this marriage and this evolves yeah and so yes so the physical touch thing she has it down so it’s off of the list and now there are five more things are just replace the one man down because you’ve habitual eyes yourself yeah do it and that’s kind of the weird thing that we’re we’re trying to get to is that having a successful marriage is habitual izing how your your spouse receives love and you kind of have to do it so it’s kind of like going to the gym the first 90 days do you just kind of have to just do it and give each other grace to do it and to figure this out hey I know you said you feel secure when I bring home a bonus but the bonus isn’t gonna happen every single time so how are other ways communicate through this process of how you can make you feel make each other feel loved secured and cherished and so on and it brings up conversation because if you put that on the list and your spouse is like I thought I already do that well clearly they don’t feel like it’s enough and that could cause an argument but it could cause a lot of other communication that you’ve never even thought about before I thought I did make you fill up well these things yeah you do in other ways maybe but not these ways and what you know it prompts conversation on this class and the coolest thing about this is that since you both have a list then to keep each other accountable you are not the evil person saying you’re not making me feel this way you just say hey according to the list that we agreed to so then therefore you are now arguing against the evil list not each other which which it brings it personal the personality away from them just like hey you know we’re doing a budget and you spent too much money now you’re arguing against the budget you’re not as fast these are the ways that I feel loved this is on the list and you’re not doing any of these things and you’re not telling them what they’re or horrible person you’re just reminding them that there’s this list and leader arguing with the list and so and then again we’re not having you’re right you know I’ve gotten busy or things come up and there’s grace for that they’re nice for that it’s not like you said you would do this and you didn’t yeah but and it works both ways because the moment one person says you and gives it you were supposed to do this to make me feel secure and then you can immediately come back and say you’re not doing me any things that make me feel loved because it is reciprocal and it’s quickly reciprocal so one person should not just be constantly Brett trying to accomplish the list and the other person is like this is great well it just feeds into one another and even if you even if someone starts off that way of I’m just gonna take advantage and not do any of the crap that you want but you get all the reward since you’re getting all the reward you would naturally want to do the things you should naturally I want to go back and go wow if I if I reciprocate if I give her a lot of security and she gives me a lot of love guess what we probably have a lot more sex and so the outcome is is an intimacy again hugely just because you just keep me cinnamon bounce on the ball back and forth and it’s a love ball that you’re hitting it’s not a medicine ball that you’re throwing at their head that’s why that’s important so yeah so make a list of five things put them on your fridge and they need to be tangible things that the person can do not I just want to feel loved not that I just want to feel secure not that I just want to I need to have intimacy what does that mean important yeah none of those that look like one of those broad statements work in the list and probably you know through the rest of time when we talk about lists nothing is broad everything is specific and it’s specific for a reason because if you can’t be suspended with it if you can’t be specific then you can expect your spouse to do the things that right we can’t read your mind right exactly right you lose your mind and the only thing I get is carrots I don’t know why and and in the back deep recesses it’s pile of B but that’s about it we can’t read your mind either direction alright guys we love you have a great Labor Day great Monday every day and agree to message a tip if you want some help or coaching PMS our DMS we’re on Instagram and Facebook that we have a private Facebook group if you want to join this is also on iTunes podcast it’s blown it up everywhere we’re trying n on youtubes we’re on the tubes find it took the two boobs alright love you bye

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